Masks

"We all wear masks." Those words were spoken to me by my English teacher in 9th grade. At the time he said those words, I really didn't have much context to associate with the phrase. We all wear masks, what does this mean? During the long and gruesome day at work, (yes, gruesome) and during my many musings and ponderings of life, those words came back to me and were weaving in and out of my mind. I started wondering if the words were true, and if so, what kind of effect is seen in my everyday life.

After some more pondering (yes, I do ponder alot), I think I have found the answer - YES WE DO!

Actors and actresses wear masks both literally and figuratively on the stage, putting on faces which we enjoy or to which we cringe in horror, depending upon the situation. Most doctors (excluding House) put on happy faces to get us through our physical ailments. Teachers put on an emotional front to get us to believe that learning is fun. Co-workers smile and nod at you everyday, but that cannot always be what they are thinking. We put on our "happy faces" when we go out of our houses, to show the world we are confident, free-thinking individuals who enjoy life and are striving to attain perfection - or something to that effect. We put on masks to fit into a role that we are to play - lover, spouse, confidante, friend, enemy, woman, man, etc. Everybody wears masks.

These answers? led me to a more disturbing question - When do we take off our masks? I was not able to come to a conclusion on this one. I don't think I would be able to find my "true" self anymore, if there ever was one. Who am I really? What do I really like to do? How much have I molded myself to fit others expectations and lost my true feelings or expressions on the matter? I strive for perfection, but whose idea of perfection is it? Is it mine? Or have I lost myself and created a new persona based upon what others want? I truly do not know anymore.

For example, I did not grow up liking football. After living with my husband and his football Saturdays for a couple of years, I have grown to be a sport affecionado. Football has become a passion of mine on Saturdays. Why? I learned that if I wanted to make him happy, I would spend time with him. To spend time with him, I had to learn to talk the talk. To learn the talk, I had to learn to tolerate football. All of this molding because a wife is supposed to want to spend time with her husband on occasion. Have my tastes changed or have I assumed his point of view on the matter?

I grew up being very direct....sometimes to my detriment. My tongue has gotten me into trouble on occasion, sometimes too fast for my brain to catch up. Even with these faults, I have always liked the direct approach and have used it in my interactions. I have always stated things as they are and never been one to hold back comments. Over the years, I have learned to curb my tongue in certain situations, i.e. social events and work. I have found that I (mostly) assimilate friends with this same point of view. One does try to stay true to oneself after all :)
I have always been very direct with them and have the same expectations of them. When angry with something, they tell me and vice versa. Now I wonder if this is the case at all...did I take on their personality traits and use their directness to establish a personality of the time?

Most of these friends have now disappeared out of my life...whether by moving or just less association over phone or e-mail until we no longer talked. One by one, they have fallen off the map until they are numbered in the single digits. The ones still left I hardly talk to, out of lack of time for the most part. Regardless of the reason, they are no longer an active part of my life and I find myself changing to fit my new role in the lives of the people still around me. This makes me wonder how much of my personality was configured by those friends and how much of my personality was truly mine - and stays with me today. When I start peeling away the layers of the onion (SHREK LOVERS UNITE!), what will be left at the core? When one starts removing the masks or expectations from oneself that are given to you by others, what is left - A personality which survives and adapts to the surrounding environment, leaving one intrinsically true to oneself, or a void because one personality must be eliminated in order to take on the qualities of another's personality?

This has become my quest for this year - find myself (or what is left of myself)! Take the masks off! Damn the others!